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Am I an Alcoholic?

8/8/2017 (Journal entry)

...Definitely not drinking for a while - I seriously need to get my life together because this isn't good AT ALL. I think I'm trying to suppress my feelings. And not deal with it however it's not working.

2/14/2018 (Journal entry)

...I am truly in a much better space than last year. It's like a complete 360 and I'm so much happier. Today makes 105 days of sobriety. Truly proud of myself.

7/26/2018 (Journal entry)

Today I got a tattoo on my left wrist. A ladder and clouds surrounding it. Two meanings:

1. stay above the influence

2. continue to elevate and reach new heights

I got drunk a couple weeks ago and placed myself in harms way. I felt like I was going back to my old ways - something I don't want to go back to...this tattoo is a reminder to myself to be better than I was once before. Don't go back to my old ways and keep reaching greater heights and levels.

08/2018 (Memory)

I was at the campsite alone and thinking about starting a business/organization. I asked the Lord, what I needed to do to start? He told me: Stop drinking. I thought to myself that can't be right so I asked again. What do I need to do to start the business/organization? He responded: Stop drinking.

8/17/2019 (Journal entry)

My therapist is helping me build my relationship with myself and work through past childhood trauma. I'm trying to get sober and even attended a sobriety meeting. Just taking it day by day.

8/16/2020 (Journal entry)

After my year of sobriety, I was planning on going back out but you sent someone who needs me. Literally she reminds me of me a year ago. Same story which is crazy so I can't go back out. I have to put my focus back on you, Lord.

4/12/2021 (Journal entry)

Struggling! Please help. I'm having thoughts of drinking, not praying or meditating just really blah. ...all I do is workout, work, sleep, eat and have fun when I can. Which sounds fun and nice but idk I feel unfulfilled. Going through the motions again and not enjoying life. I know it's not going to be a walk in the park all the time but it sucks.

4/15/2021 (Journal entry)

I'm in PA to reset and refocus. It has helped - when out here, I'm at peace. Getting my mind back right. I want to stay sober and I want to walk in my purpose. I want to be better for myself. I have the tools and resources to get on the beam and I'm going to use them.

5/15/2021 (Journal entry)

Tomorrow makes 600 days of sobriety. First, I'm super excited to visit Tati next month - looking forward to the change of pace and scenery - who knows maybe I can finally move there.

Above are journal entries depicting my journey of sobriety. Am I the textbook definition of an alcoholic, no, however the times I was drinking especially from 2018-2019, I surely felt like one. Drinking to suppress my emotions of hurt, pain, loneliness, rejection and fear. I may not be an alcoholic but my relationship with alcohol has not been a good one. I always knew deep down alcohol was something that wasn't for me but honestly I like to drink, it's something I enjoyed doing so why would I stop. God has given me so many signs and warnings for me to stop drinking and not even that, but he literally told me, if you want to be successful and walk into all that I have planned for you, you need to stop drinking and I didn't listen. I made several attempts to stop drinking but ultimately I kept choosing the bottle over God.

I moved to another state literally across the country, so I'm thinking my past is behind me. I get to start fresh and anew. Wrong, nope! Well let me clarify, yes a fresh start to something different and a new life BUT not a fresh start from God's word. God said what he said and meant it. Since I've been in California, I've been drinking and there are two crazy events that happened due to my drinking and not events I would brag to my friends about. But when I think about it, are there any events you really brag to your friends about when you get drunk? lol. And I've always felt I wanted to stop drinking at some point but I wasn't ready to fully commit to it. My longest sobriety time has been a little over 1 year and 8 months and during that time, I truly felt like my best self. I was sober, working out, at peace with myself, feeling the most confident I've felt in life and genuinely happy. I definitely had challenges but the positive outweighed the negative. So why would I give that up? My fleshly desires and I stopped doing my routine of what helped me stay sober.

I'm currently doing a 21 day spiritual fast where I'm abstaining from all foods and drinks except for water and raw fruits and vegetables. My birthday is next month so after the fast I planned to start drinking again (familiar territory) however deep down I know I shouldn't. I've been praying for God to give me a definite sign for me not to drink even though I already know the answer (it's the human in me lol). And he has given me not one, not two, but three definitive signs that let me know I should not continue to drink. The most gut wrenching one was one I heard on the Know For Sure podcast with B. Simone and Megan Brooks (a GREAT podcast btw). This episode is titled Obedience > Sacrifice and Megan shares a moment she had with her mom. Her mom told her: it's better to be obedient to God and do what he tells you to do than to sacrifice the blessing that he has on the other side of the obedience. Whewwwwwww! That line hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt that on so many levels. I literally played it back 5 times. And I was like okay God, I know what I have to do and I just have to do it. I'm not going to disobey you this time or even question it. I don't need to fully understand it and other people don't need to understand it either. And in that moment, all I could think about was how I serve a God that is patient, loving, merciful, forgiving and gracious. God has been giving me signs for 5 years now and even after 5 years, he never gave up on me and continued to let me live my life (free will) as I saw fit.

I can proudly and happily say I am ready to be obedient. I know in this next season obedience, trust, sacrifice and being firmly rooted in God is a must; it is a requirement, a non-negotiable. And one of those sacrifices is alcohol. I'm learning there are some journeys I have to experience alone and I have to be okay with that. So here I am entering into a new chapter and season of life and I'm going to fully let go and let God. I know the journey ahead is going to be one of endurance but I know with God leading the way, I'm in great hands. I'm not perfect but I'm committed.

Food for thought:

"It's better to be obedient to God and do what He tells you to do than to sacrifice the blessing that He has on the other side of the obedience." - Megan Brooks

What areas in your life is God asking for your obedience?

With love,

Scribbles Pooh <3

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