Today is Day 110 of showing up for myself. What does showing up for myself like look? It looks different everyday; it consists of changing unhealthy patterns/behaviors, fueling my mind, body, and spirit with things of substance, surrounding myself with people going upward and forward, healing from past childhood and adulthood traumas, becoming more self-aware, and the list goes on. I'm in the process of adding value to my life in order to train myself to value the right things in life. Over the past 110 days, I randomly choose a day to voice record my experience on how I showed up for myself that day. It has been enlightening, frightening, refreshing, and reassuring to know that I'm moving in the right direction. I've listened back on some of the recordings and have been able to change things about myself especially certain patterns/behaviors I engage in.
I'll share a recording of day 93. Super proud of myself that day, I ran for the first time in months, bought a juicer to start juicing and I talked about how I showed up for myself on day 92. A pattern/behavior I've noticed in myself when it comes to men is I give more than I'm receiving and I'm not referring to sex but I'm talking about my time and energy. And I finally realize that my time and energy is priceless and I can't get back those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or years back. And I have no more time to waste. If the relationship is not mutually benefiting both of us in a positive, uplifting way then it's time to cut ties and that includes platonic and romantic relationships. So with the guy I talk about in the recording, we've hung out a couple times but it's always late night/early mornings and at his apartment. Out of all the multiple times we've hung out, we hooked up once (being transparent). But we've never hung out outside of his apartment not even any fun outings like a movie or dinner. Definitely a red flag! However I'm not here to place blame on him or myself. We never had a conversation about what we wanted from this relationship and for myself I was just going with the flow. I'm in a new city, by myself, not many friends, so I chalked it up to that HOWEVER that wasn't the case at all. This particular behavior has been reoccurring in almost all my past "romantic" relationships with guys. It was more eye-opening for me because it made me think about my past relationships and MY role in all those relationships...what I was willing to tolerate, accept, or even encourage certain behaviors even though it's not what I wanted. And it also made me think about what am I missing internally, or what void am I trying to fill by engaging in this behavior? This possibly stems from childhood but that's another blog post y'all.
So I'm now at a point in my life where self-realization, self-acceptance, and healing is taking place. And it is HARD but so necessary. I'll write another blog post about what that looks like because it is not pretty. But back to showing up for myself, so that night instead of inviting myself over to his place, I went home and slept peacefully. And I was so proud of myself in that moment because I hadn't shown up for myself in that way in a long time. I'm learning to protect my peace and energy and most importantly value my time. Today I watched a sermon titled, Train Your Brain, with Dr. Dharius Daniels. He said, "The way you manage your mind/life is going to determine your effectiveness in the season and role you are in or heading into. A renewed mind is a disciplined mind." That's powerful.
Food for thought:
"We give our time and energy to things that entertain us but not enrich our lives." - Dr. Dharius Daniels
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